the only response that I feel comfortable and confident in is : you know what to do.

You know exactly what it is, you know the situation, you know your true internal voice. Only you know that stuff. So, the only thing I would offer is : have at it, my man, what ever it is. . .

You're in a tough spot Jason. I don't envy you.

In essence, I agree with Zigo, however.

I used to have a friend who was a catholic monk. He was into Tarot, metaphysics, voodoo, zen and taoism. When I asked him how he reconciled those things, he replied that he didn't need to; that there was no conflcit. When asked about catholic belief, he replied with catholicism in mind. When asked about his own beliefs he would preface it with "Well the church would say...(insert appropriate answer here)... BUT my own perspective is... (insert appropriate addendum here)."

I'm not suggesting that you do the same as much as I am implying that there may be a middle road. I'll not make any pretense--I don't know where that road might lie or where it might lead... but it likely exists.

Best of luck,
Papa

Jason!

hey, wow, what a great series of tests for you to live through and learn from!

what to do when faced with living and working in someone else's religious tradition, where you don't feel that comfortable? you could just decline the offers that are made to you, politely, explaining that you're way over-committed and just don't have the time.

you could do the singing stuff and ignore the rest. you could try to teach a few universal things about Jesus and the experience of the divine as you understand it.... and stay out of the rest of the dogma. or just be of service, helping feed hungry people locally or doing some other church program that DOESN'T involve dogma as much as it involves action.

it's also true that this is a chapter, only, in your life, not a permanent state of being -- maybe there are things you could imagine yourself doing, ways of contributing to the betterment of people, that maybe you could do for a month or two but not for years and years.

there are a lot of choices there, some maybe not so great and others maybe marginally appealing -- or, as you've said, doing nothing at all for the time being.

about judging other people -- I'm sure you know as well as any of us that it's a huge hurdle, in every human being, not to give into the tendency to judge others for any reason including their religious beliefs.

on the other hand, there's a huge gap between religion and spirituality and it sounds like you're being forced by the divine to live in that gap, to feel it fully, to inhabit it and experience it.... and maybe for the future, as a way to explain the difference to others, to teach about the validity of personal experiences with the divine versus what the Bible-thumpers say about the divine.

finally -- I'll leave you with a beautiful story from Paramahansa Yogananda, a beautiful Indian yogi of the last century who was in deep communion with Jesus Christ -- when he was confronted with a fundamentalist about the Adam & Eve story, he asked the fundie what that person thought about the serpent speaking to Eve, telling her to eat the apple. the fundamentalist replied that of course the serpent must've literally spoken to Eve, since 'in those days snakes could speak.' (ie, "it's in the Bible, so it must be true.") Yogananda -- in general a HUGELY loving being who never spoke harshly of anyone -- just BOWED to the person in a kind of roguish humility, and said, as he was bowing, "I bow to the colossal temple of ignorance before me!!!!!"

what else could he do? as someone who had direct and constant knowledge of Jesus and his life, first-hand, when confronted with a pure dogmatist who had book-learning but no real knowledge..... what could he do? nothing but bow to the illusion in that person and move on.

blessings to you, Jason, however it all works out at this chapter in your life --

Alx

Funny to come across this thread....I have some students, a family who run their business from home and I got there once a week to teach them English. At one point I even took a Bible, as the wife wanted to read from it, although she found that too tiring in the end, being a beginner with no great aptitude for the rigour of grammar.

They are part of a Christan group too, something called 'New Beginnings' and are frequently trying to get me to come to one of their gatherings. I was surprised thy took me on in a way, as my gothic appearance must surely be a bit of a giveaway aobut a lot of my interests....

It is that much more difficult to be completely open about what I an about with people that I find likeable too.

After 18 a deep inner crisis took me away from any kinds of fundamentalism for good, basically after recognising whatt a despot the god of the Old Testament actually was. I have always been drawn towards the snippets of writings by the ancient Gnostics, particulary for example, the Simonian myth, although modern forms of so-called esotericism give me the heebie-jeebies. I have designed a pack of Tarot cards and practise astrolgy, though I personally will not have theosophical or 'esoteric' stuff on the house. I find it hard to tell where the earlier Gnostics were coming from, doubless many were were indeed Platonically-minded mysogynists, but it did seem to me that the ancient Gnostics had more of a respect for the Feminine than the current New Age has.

I have not come here to argue my points primaily about the more recently-mentioned things, however! I just want to repeat that Ihave the same dilmemma as Jason. I suppose if these two ever do question where Iam coming from, I shall have to say that whilst I repsect their spirituality, it is not really my path. If they decide that they will need to find a new teacher on that basis therefore, so be it. I suppose part of the isuue is also the sense that a community of souls where spirituality is more important than making conections materially, or just being just out to 'catch' someone, and neither did I like the mind games and ego trips of certain occult and New Age groups I came across in the 80's.

I don't think there are any easy answers. In some pockets no doubt Christianity is becoming a whole lot more tolerant and less 'literalist' as Gandy and Freke put it than Islam. But I think there are other, worse kinds of fanaticism than fundamenalism at times.

Personally I would become a teacher and then teach what ALL the gospels say, not just the sanctioned 4. So if people freak out, they freak out. Most won't though, and the message is the important thing. There's more to Jesus than the King James version and people need to know.

But that's just me. I used to argue with Moonies for fun in high school.